Conspiracy Theory: The Patriots wanted to get Caught!

It’s been a tough few weeks for Patriot fans. Back to back L’s, Gronk is staying in retirement, and maybe the last year with Brady in New England, it’s very unlike Patriots right no, so what did they do? Go back to their roots.

Now there are gonna be a million reports some say they cheated other say hogwash, it’s gonna fuel sports talk radio. Felger probably creaming his pants over this story. What I’m hear to tell all the Patriots is don’t give in it’s a trap!

The Patriots love being doubted, they always find an angle. Last year it was the still here and then they hate us cause they ain’t us, and a bunch of other nonsense.

Here is the issue, no one this year was truly hating on Patriots. You can say people were questioning Brady, but every person would never say Brady is over the hill, they would ask the question so they could skirt around it. The Pats lose two straight games, against playoff teams and then the next day the stories come out that the Pats were cheating against the bengals?!?!

No sir! I smell something fishy! And the fish smell is coming from Bill’s boat in Nantucket!

The Patriots have always been cheating! It’s nothing new, I assume most teams in the NFL are doing somewhat similar things. To be “caught” by those morons from Cincinnati they had to be so blatant to get caught that of course Bill and his gang of thugs (Ernie Adams) did this on purpose.

Now just as the playoff picture because more clear the patriots needed a rallying cry to save their sorry ass team, and why not go to the “They think we are cheaters” well. It has worked before and I am sure it will work again.

If you are a true patriot hater, ignore this story and just wait to the playoffs. If they lose, dance on that mother fucking grave!

The internet is full of losers and you can’t replicate speed: PATS GOT CAUGHT AGAIN EDITION

Listen, I hate to beat a dead horse, but the Pats need to cut this shit out. What do they need to cut out? GETTING CAUGHT SO FUCKING EASILY OF COURSE.

Yesterday the Patriots were once again accused of spying on another team in the NFL, this time they were allegedly stealing the 1-12 Cincinnati Bengals play calls via a film crew on the sideline during their clash at the Browns on Sunday. The Pats were quick to deny the allegations stating they were there filming a scout on the road for the upcoming DO YOUR JOB 4 documentary, but also admitted they did film the Bengals sideline. This led to thousands of twitter based NFL insiders to give their HOT AS FUCK takes on the Pats cheating ways. Let’s take a look at some of these very smart and well spoken takes:

Dillon and @phinstweets need to calm the fuck down

Seems to me like a bunch of people are VERY salty of the Patriots success and Pats fans are VERY much okay with this as long as the teams winning, which I cannot blame any of them for. I have 2 very hot takes myself on this matter, let me get into them below:

SHHHHEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSHHHH
  1. No matter how many signals you steal, John Ross is just too fucking fast, the type of speed you simply cannot replicate.

I mean I totally understand prepping your defense in the best way possible—by stealing all the play calls of your opposition— but even if you do that against Cincy, you won’t be able to stop John Ross. Stephen Gilmore, arguably the Pats best DB this season, only runs a 4.40 in the 40 yard dash, while John Ross runs a LIGHTNING FUCKING FAST 4.22 across the same distance, meaning Stephen will get toasted all god damn day. Here’s combine footage of Ross running the 40, even if you know his route how are you going to keep up?! You can’t it’s IMPOSSIBLE, smell ya later Stephen.

which brings me to my second take:

2. IF YOU AINT CHEATING, YOU AINT TRYING.

thing that’s a lame excuse for a team getting caught cheating? Lol fuck off loser, nice guys finish last and if you aren’t trying to push the rules of the game to their absolute limit, you’re just fine with being average. My opinion, as a Bengals fan, is that New England has been running circles around the rest of the NFL in terms of game strategy for nearly 2 decades now. Bill and das boyz are simply living in the gray area of strategy, tip toeing the line of what’s fair, but this constant process of pushing the rules to the limit has resulted in 6 Super Bowls, so it’s all worth it in the end. New England’s real problem is that they keep getting caught, take this latest Bengals instance for example, a videographer in Bruins gear sat directly in front of a Bengals rep in the press box and proceeded to record Cincys sideline. Bruins gear when you are undercover? Bill needs to get him some better spys, because this lack of effort is 100% not the Patriot way.

Were the Pats cheating? Probably. Does it really matter? Depends on who you ask. Should more teams be like New England? Fuck yes.

WHO DEY ALL DEY BENGALS BY 7.

A news headline from 2022: Joe “big dick” Burrow leads the Bengals to back to back Super Bowls

DID YALL SEE JOE BURROW RUN FUCKING TRAIN ON GEORGIA LAST WEEKEND? SSSSSSHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSHHHHH dat boi can sling the fuggin rock like you read about. Burrow finished with 347 yards on 27-of-37 passing and four touchdowns, looking like fucking Jesus Christ in the flesh to all Bengals fans.

Following yet another loss to the Browns and with the Pats headed to town next week, it looks like the Bengals are truly the stinkiest dog shit team in the NFL this year, and that #1 pick is all but confirmed to be Cincys next year.

what does this mean? It means Joe Burrow will likely be rocking das black and orange next year, barring management fucking the pick up of course (which is a very real possibility).

Just imagine him taking snaps with a healthy Jonah Williams in front of him, Joe Mixon behind him, flanked by John “fastest player in league history” Ross and Tyler Boyd?! Smells like a dynasty in the making.

Fingers crossed the Bengals don’t fuck this up and hopefully Joe Burrow warms up to skyline a Chili bit before his arrival.

Patriot Fans Need to Take a Chill Pill

Let’s start this off with a disclaimer, I enjoy watching Brady and the Patriots and this run, but man do I hate their fans.

Booing TOM FUCKING BRADY and the Patriots at half time is unbelievable. All they have done is made a laughing stock franchise into the gold standard franchise, and they play a bad half and you boo them?????

Any Patriot fan who boo’s anything on field related to Tom Brady deserves to go to that special place in Hell where the child molesters and people who talk in a movie theater.

Second the refs botched some calls…GET OVER IT!

All I hear is aww shucks the refs screwed us, It’s Goodell telling the refs to cheat, why are they always out to get us. Newsflash the entire league have had terrible officiating!

This has maybe been the worst year for officiating ever, so yea Pats got some calls to go the other way…welcome to the NFL!

Back in my day in high school football, when the refs screwed us out of beating Kobe Bryant’s Lower Marion, my coach said “If you let the Refs decide the game you deserve the shit you get in,” (he wasn’t the most inspiring coach.)

The Patriots prob lost home field but nothing else really changed. You Pats fans need to take a a serious chill pill.

P.S. Andy Dalton is shitting his pants right now, knowing what hell that defense is going to put him through next Sunday.

Final college Saturday 🥺

It’s the final college Saturday of the season, so cancel your plans and find the couch. Now some of the games may not be competitive but there’s a handful of great games. Pac 12 Friday night is boring but has playoff implications. LSU Vs Georgia has to the potential to bring playoff chaos and an ESPN instant classic peep the sched grab some suds and embrace the moment cuz it’s not till September we get to experience saturdays like these again

Hi, My Name is Swish and I’m addicted to Periscope

It’s not a problem if you admit right?

I live in the best city in America, (Philly not Boston you massholes get over yourself) and one of my favorite things to do in the city is people watch. It’s something we all do but everyone hates to admit, but it’s true and I admit my love for people watching. I can go to a bench in crowded park put my headphone in just watch the world and people go by me. Now the way I people watch it’s basically what I do on periscope.

First you get nice and zooted, like that deep zoot where you are the dare commercial.

Now second I use it on Apple TV, but I go to the maps or top global which is just random people and I just start clicking on random people and see what happens.

I have gone from a dead and company concert to a random high school football games. I have watched people paint to a random lady giving a cooking lesson going on a rant about being cheated on.

It’s wild watching what people are live streaming, and I LOVE IT! It has become the modern version of people watching.

The reason I’m writing this blog in the first place is because I was zooted last night and was strolling through periscope and found a live Disney Park Live Candlelight Processional with Neil Patrick Harris and it was FANTASTIC! I would never have watched that or had a chance to without periscope.

Maybe Disney+ should have had it on their new service instead of that god awful high school musical remake.

Social Media trends: “look at my taste in music, FUCKING LOOK AT IT” edition

So last night Spotify dropped their “wrapped” feature for premium users, which breaks down your most listened to artists/tracks from not only 2019, but the entire decade that is coming to a close.

artist of the century is more like it

Naturally this mornings social media wave has been people posting the results of their wrapped, in what is essentially a dick measuring contest of musical taste. “LOOK AT ALL THESE INDIE BANDS I LISTEN TO, FATHER JOHN MISTY FUCKING SLAPS, I BUMPED HIS SHIT FOR 37 HOURS IN 2019”- one of your HS classmates who is now the Visual Merchandising lead for your local urban outfitters store (probably) when posting their wrapped breakdown.

There is nothing wrong with posting your results on social, but just be prepared for judgement from music snobs. For example if I saw you post J Cole as your #1 artist for the decade, I would assume you like your sneakers dusty, but also have a mean jump shot. You see, judging other people’s taste in music is a very child like thing to do, take it from me, a reformed hater of all things I didn’t enjoy listening to (Taylor Swift can still eat a dick tho), and you should ALWAYS ignore the haters, bumping what you want all the god damn time. Now with that said, please allow me to FLEX MY FUCKING MUSICAL GENIUS BELOW:

kudos to Vampire Weekend for ending the Kanye three peat this year.

All I’m really trying to get at is enjoy what you like, and if you want to flex nuts, then flex em, just be prepared for people like 2009 me to ROAST THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR WHACK ASS TASTE, because there are still a lot of them out there.

PS: Ska music is fucking trash, please go smoke your dirt weed elsewhere you checkerboard vans wearing, trombone blowing, mighty mighty FUCKS.

PSS: yes, this entire article was simply a setup for me to share my wrapped results, and you fell right into my fucking trap lol.

TBT: ‘92 Cubs Dream Season*

Everyone knows the story of the magical ‘92 Cubs season that won them a World Series. Led by Henry Rowengartner, a 12 year old relief pitcher and closer who threw 100+ mph gas, and Chet Rocket Steadman who’s mid seasons revival was historic, the cubs went on to claim the division in the last game of the season. Now many of us are too young to remember how this all unfolded, unfortunately the season documentary “Rookie of the Year” ends at the regular season, we must ask how in the world did this team win the World Series.

The last we saw this team of destiny was the final regular season game needing a W against the Mets to win their division. A vintage Chet Steadham gem gets the Cubs a 2-1 lead as Rowengartner comes in for relief once the Rocket blows out his arm. After throwing a scoreless 2 innings with 6 strike outs, Rowengartner and the Cubs head into the top of the 9th clinging to the lead.

Little Henry discovers he lost his fastball in warm ups, instead of telling his manager or teammates he decides to intentionally walk batters. Great teammate. (Now I know the Mets got exciting new ownership yesterday, but this is some classic Mets BS on deck). Runner on first gets fooled by a hidden ball play, bush league move by Rowengartner.

This dude like “Really _____”

Next intentionally walked batter gets lured into a chicken off and gets caught in the worst attempt ever to steal a base. Another bush league move by Henry.

Our documentary ends with the final at bat against NL slugger Heddo who is a poster boy for MLB steroid use.

Instead of telling his manager that he can’t pitch to get the final out, Henry selfishly thinks he can serve up meatballs as Heddo absolutely LAUCHES his second strike foul by a smidge. Henry somehow gets Heddo to swing and wiff on an eavus floater to win the game and claim the division. Hollywood story.

As the cubs move into the playoffs, they now have to play and WIN in a divisional round, the NLCS, and the World Series. They just lost their ace starter and their relief pitcher who hasn’t thrown anything but a strike out since his MLB debut. I don’t know about y’all but this ring is absolute bs. A team of destiny couldn’t even overcome those odds. This team couldn’t hit to save their lives, 2 runs against the Mets? You kidding me. Give me a break 92 series needs a fat asterisk.

Henry’s biggest accomplishment of the 92 season? Smashing Julie the Cat Gaffney

Not to be overlooked, Henry was the cockiest player in MLB history, bush league tactics, taunting other pitchers as a base runner, his manager even asked begging on his knees in his last inning “win me this game and Henry replied “I’ll do it but this is the last time” when you throw 102 you can flex on errrbody. Also my last Henry grievance, this kid gets in a fight with his boys about not working on the shitty boat, dude your an MLB pitcher and Pepsi endorser, fucking buy a boat and scoop the chicks, jeez

The Phillies will make the Mets look Dumb

As the knowledgeable fan since all water cooler talk fans are you already know Wheeler is signed to the Phitin Phils.

I am sure people like Angelo Cataldi will yell and scream and say why waste so much money. He’s also a stupid moron who is mad that he can’t do the wing bowl anymore.

I never care about money in baseball cause their is no salary cap, all I care about is he gonna be a dude or is he gonna suck. Let me tell you folks Wheeler is gonna be a DUDE. The guy throws gas and looks to be fully healthy. The Phillies are gonna be taking a giant step forward.

Now the Phillies still need a starter…my bold prediction is trading for david price.

Phillies willing to take his salary, which Boston is looking to shed. He also fills a lefty void that the Phillies need in the rotation. Giving price a change of scenery I believe will do wonders. The questions would be what type of prospects will it cost them, but I don’t think an arm and a leg, since shedding Price’s salary is the only way they would be able to keep Mookie.

Either way it was a good day today on the city of brotherly love…even tho Cole Hamels signed with the garbage know as the Braves.

“Idk fam just slap a Dior swoosh on that muthafucka”

Last night in America’s cocaine capital, Miami, Kim Jones unveiled Dior’s FW2020 collection. The show has caught media attention this morning for a few reasons: Kimmy K looking brazy in 3 different colors of python, the Shawn Stussy collab and the unveiling of the long rumored Dior X Jordan 1 collab. Today we will focus on that last bit, DAS AIR DIORS.

let’s start by taking a look at the sneaker:

$2,000….MADE IN ITALY, YA DIG??

Alright so I, like many other sneaker fiends out there, greatly enjoy a nice pair of Jordan 1s, but Nike has been over saturating the 1 market for years now, and this pair might be the last straw. I mean the colorway itself slaps, and I can forgive the icey sole on these as well, but that fucking swoosh is BASURA. We get it, it’s a Dior collab, I can see that it says “Air Dior” on the wings logo, and that subtle Dior print on the tongue slaps…..but that god damn swoosh is the definition of doing too much. Why not make it a tonal white pattern like the tongue? I’m thinking Kim Jones got back to the office at like 10pm after a post dinner coke binge and screamed at his team of 100 designers “THE SHOE NEEDS TO SAY DIOR EVERYWHERE, EVERY FUCKING WHERE” and an unpaid intern had to sew that new swoosh on the sample while fighting back tears. This is pure hypebeast malarkey, does every designer piece have to be drowning in logos?! Fuck no, this shoe is purely for flexing the designer logo on the side, which is some tasteless shit.

Granted I enjoyed the lazy surfer in a suit with Js on vibe that Jones put together for the looks in this show, but when us regular folk see these on the street, they’ll be accompanied by some ripped skinny jeans and a moncler/Canada goose.

Do better Dior.