POWER RANKING ALL 7 HARRY POTTER BOOKS BECAUSE I AM OUT OF IDEAS GODDAMNIT

Do you know how tough it is to blog about stuff when there is no stuff happening?! Shit don’t sweat it though, I’m now pulling list ideas out of my ass like I work for complex.com in 2011, it’s power ranking szn babyyyyyy!

Let’s start this list shit off with a magical one, a definitive ranking of all 7 ORIGINAL (fuck that play script cursed child shit) Harry Potter BOOKS according to ya boi, *****OBVIOUSLY SPOILER WARNING******:

7. The Sorcerers Stone

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (Harry Potter #1) – 1/28/97 by J.K. Rowling Original Mary GrandPre’ cover design

Hand up, yes I said “sorcerers,” outing myself as an American swine , as this book was originally released across the pond as “ The Philosophers Stone” back in the late 90s. A fire start to the series, the Sorcerers stones let’s the audience dip it’s toes into the wizarding world of Harry Potter by introducing us to Hogwarts, Quidditch, Hermione’s big ass brain, the story of Harry’s parents death/his life with the Dursley’s and the fall/back of the head rebirth of Voldemort. This novel only ranks low because it’s the start of the journey, as Miss Rowling really sets the stage for the magic ahead by introducing us to places and people we will become far more familiar with over the course of the series. This is just entry level wizardry shit, but god damnit does it get me GOING.

6. The Prisoner of Azkaban

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Harry Potter #3) – 9/8/99 by J.K. Rowling Original Mary GrandPre’ cover design

Barely edging out the first novel in the series, AZKABAN ranks low because it doesn’t rrreeaaalllyyyy do much for the over arching plot in the long run. It introduces extremely important characters like Sirius Black, hits us with one hell of a twist with the identity of Ron’s pet rat, and brings us to hogsmead for the first time to sip on that sweet sweet butter beer, but doesn’t really move the Harry vs. he who must not be named plot along much. Lupin is one of my favorite characters in the whole series and the time travel shit in this book is very dope, but I can’t help but feel like this book left me wanting more Voldemort, especially after the conclusion to the second novel….

5. The Chamber of Secrets

The follow up to the book that started the wizarding craze, J.K. really gets the ball rolling on the Harry vs. Voldemort feud with this one. A plot that involves vicious attacks by an unseen figure on all residents of Hogwarts, this novel plays out as both a mystery and a history lesson on the aforementioned school. We learn about the Chamber of Secrets, Godric Gryffindor’s sword, and most importantly that bastard fuck Tom Riddle AKA Lord Voldemort before he lost his nose. The second entry does a great job of kicking the level of danger up from the first, while continuing to delve into WHY Voldemort is the way that he is, Harry’s connection to him and we even get more of Potter spitting Parseltongue BARS at snakes trying to fuck with him.

4. The Order of the Phoenix

The first novel set in a post resurrected Voldemort world, ORDER sets the stage for the series eventual endgame by establishing clear cut factions on each side of good vs. evil, The order of the Phoenix vs. Voldemort and his death eaters. Said Order is made up of only the best fucking characters previously introduced in the series, and captained by Harry’s uncle Sirius Black, a coalition of men/women dead set on defeating he who must not be named. We get to see Voldemort in action for the first time in a brazy battle at the ministry of magic, the first truly epic fight between both sides in the series after Rowling spent the first 4 books establishing who’s who and why they are involved. RIP Sirius tho 🥺

3. The Half Blood Prince

This book really cranked this shit to 11 plot wise after Order got the second half of the series rolling. Between Dumbeldore’s memory pool thing, the introduction of horcruxes, a bit more Tom Riddle history and Snape’s true role in the series all being revealed, by the end of the novel it is clear we are fully in the endgame now. Draco Malfoy also gets his most prominent role since making the quidditch team in Chambers, as his character really gets fleshed out in some very tragic ways. The ending is a fucking DOOZY as well, as we see Snape kill Dumbeldore, one of the toughest events to read through of the entire series. This book is truly a master class in breaking down the conflict of good vs. evil, and sets up one hell of a finale….

2. The Deathly Hallows

NOW THIS IS HOW YOU STICK THE LANDING, Rowling dropped one of the best finales to anything ever with this one. From the start this book ups the anti, with a dramatic mid air battle where see Hedwig fall and Mad Eye killed as the Order tries to move Harry to a safe location away from Voldemort’s reach, setting the tone for arguably the darkest book in the series. From the horcrux searching all the way to the final battle at Hogwarts, the stakes truly feel the most real here. Don’t even get me started on how brave I think Snape is after the revelation of what he did for Harry, god damn what an excellent way for that character to go out. Truthfully one of the best finishes to any series across all platforms, Rowling cemented her pen being hung from the rafters of all times great authors with this one.

1.The Goblet of Fire

The Tri-Wizarding Tournament, that’s all I really have to say…..I MEAN GOD DAMN WHAT A BOOK. We not only get the aforementioned tourney, we get Voldemort in his full flesh for the first time, a large expansion of the world outside of just Hogwarts, and we finally get some fucking dragons. From the long awaited return of he who must not be named to the ins and outs of the worlds most dangerous tournament, and Mad eye fucking Moody, this book does an excellent job of wrapping up our FULL introduction into this world and establishing the stakes for what’s to come. No longer are we talking about past events, Voldemort is BACK and that changes the course of the entire series afterwards. This is the boom that truly hooked the world on this series, and an easy choice for #1.

Again this list is just MY opinion, and I would love to hear some of your feedback as well, RIP Hedwig one time.

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